So, confidence is kind of an issue.

It’s well known to everyone in my little world; I have very low confidence. I mean, even the title reflects that! But, up until now, this hasn’t been too problematic, but recently…

I think it’s others lack of confidence in me that annoys me the most. I’m at the stage of beginning to look at universities, and I would really love to go to Oxford or Cambridge. I realise this is highly unlikely; only 20% of the applicants to Oxbridge manage to bag themselves a place, but that’s beside the point. If one has the motivation and willpower, it’s possible… Right?

That’s what I thought, and my quest began with getting myself a place on a talk at a nearby sixth form from about getting into Cambridge, from someone who works at the uni! I was optimistic, and fully aware of the fact that I will probably not get in, but with not actually voicing this, I had managed to smother it at the back of my mind.

This was working, until my friend said:

“What’s the point, you’re not going to get in.”

Of course, I avoided her comment.

“There’s no harm in trying,” I responded.

But her comment threw me off. Now, I have doubts flying around my mind – if I’m not going to get in, is there even any point in trying? Am I just going to waste my time? If the impossible happens and I do get a space (Abi really? Nope), will I even like it? Or will the sheer volume of intelligent people be intimidating and disheartening?

I think the thing that really gets to me is she had no issue saying that. If the situation was reversed, and even if I didn’t believe she could make it, outwardly I would be supportive and encouraging. There’s no doubt about that.

This quote is from a book I’m reading at the moment (I say I’m reading it, in reality I hurriedly scan mere pages at a time in a snatched 5 minutes or when I should be doing much more important school work), and I think it applies to most people. We all want to be flowers; effortlessly beautiful, and with no real responsibilities. But in reality it would be boring and way too uneventful – I think this is something we all need to remember. 

‘She wanted to exist only as a conscious flower, prolonging and preserving herself’ – F. Scott Fitzgerald, from The Beautiful and Damned 

Update on my last post: I redid the essay, and achieved 20/30 :)) it’s still not great, but I’m much more content with it and I now have shaken off (most of) my doubts about the course *explosion of confetti*


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