I posted last night (or this morning I suppose) about a very dodgy relationship with a very constant person in my life. And somehow, on some burst of courage, I’ve made the first step towards ‘fixing’ it.
There’s a teacher at school who I’m friendly with, and she knows about things that have happened previously. I didn’t exactly confide in her, not yet anyway, but I made an effort to ask if I could speak to her next week. As she already knows some of the ‘stuff’ that’s happened, it’s much easier for me as I don’t have to start from scratch, yet I know I’ll be speaking to someone who can help me. It means that I have the weekend to sort out the tangled web of thoughts in my head, to decide how to approach the topic and even time to ‘practice’. It also means that I can’t back out – this teacher knows something isn’t right, and is expecting me to see her on Monday – I can’t just not turn up.
But it doesn’t make any of this any easier. Not at all. As soon as I left her classroom, my body began shaking to the extent that I genuinely think I looked like I was having a fit whilst I sat on the bus, willing myself to calm down. I know my situation isn’t normal and that, in the long term, this is something I have to do, but it’s hard. I feel disloyal and dishonest. What’s more, I feel as though I’m betraying the people closest to me.
Regardless, I know this will be good. It will help. That’s what I keep telling myself. Because everything good doesn’t always start out positively. And although this will be unbelievably hard, it’s very much needed.
I know it’s so very easy to deny those niggling thoughts in the back of your head, but maybe just stop and listen. Because, for me, it’s been vital. And this is a good thing, even though it’s incredibly daunting. But it’s a step forwards, and the courage that it takes to speak up and ask for help is one of the hardest things of all to do.
‘I’d rather take coffee than compliments just now’ – Louisa May Alcott, Little Women