It’s 12:15am and I’ll probably look over this and want to rewrite everything in the morning but I want to write, so I shall.
Things have been pretty hectic, but not in the usual sense. My emotions, relationships and self worth has been all over the place… aargh!
Everything stems from a relationship with someone very close and constant in my life. Except we aren’t close, not really. Not like we should be. And we argue, quite a lot actually, and seemingly often about small, petty things that shouldn’t be important. And I look at the similar people in my friends’ lives, and I see how (in my world) things really need to change. But I’m learning. I’ve learned that people are unpredictable, that even if you do see them every single day they may be hiding something, and I’ve learned that your actions can so so easily be misinterpreted and blown out of proportion. Not everyone has the same view as you, and something that is, in your view, harmless and innocent may come across very differently.
But I’ve also learned to keep an open mind. I’m 17, and I’ve never had a boyfriend (that one from year 6 doesn’t count), but recently a boy has appeared in my life. Genuinely, I’m so surprised that he’s still talking to me; in my opinion I come with so many ‘faults’ and problems and burdens that frankly I wouldn’t be interested in me. Who knows why he is. But he’s there, and he makes me so happy. Even in the simplest conversations I find myself grinning stupidly at my phone. It’s a sign of how far I’ve come; this time last year I could barely speak to other people, let alone boys, yet now…this.
I think, ultimately, I’m learning not to let things become blown out of proportion in my head. Because even when things do become unbearable with the first person, I know I have such a strong network of friends who are so so supportive and will do anything to help me. Even if they don’t know what’s going on, they’re there and open and willing. And that’s beyond valuable. I think it’s sometimes easy to get caught up in the moment and forget about these life saving relationships. Personally, I think I’d have gone insane without them.
‘It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then’ – Lewis Carroll, from Alice in Wonderland