So this is going to make me sound completely insane, but recently I’ve started talking to myself. Out loud. Proper conversations.
Like, I’ll look in the mirror, and pretend someone has asked me a question. And then I’ll answer it.
I think, being an only child, never really having to say much or debate with other people outside of school kind of leaves me at a disadvantage, especially in discussion based subjects like English. I mean, even one on one I actually find myself unable to talk things through, the jumbled thoughts in my brain (which form sentences and proper strings of logical words on paper, no problem) just don’t translate.
Which is why, for me, this is actually really helpful.
Whilst having these conversations, I’ve taught myself how to just talk. No plan, no aim. Just talk, in an understandable, logical way. For example, I worked out the reason I hate full, thick faces of makeup. I think they’re deceitful, fake, dishonest. I think they’re a waste of time. But I realised more than that. I came to the realisation that I’m disgusted that we have come to this; that teenagers and young adults feel the need to paint a thick mask onto their skin, to completely rework their face (in some cases). Yes, I’m a part of this. I do not have the confidence to leave the house without mascara, eyebrows, foundation. Even though I know the foundation looks orange on my skin, I know the mascara makes my eyelashes clumpy and dark. But I will never leave the house without it.
It shouldn’t be that way. It isn’t for boys, so why has this become such a great problem for girls. It’s honestly scary… we are a generation so fearful of hate and judgement that we spend money and time to change how we look. That’s not right.
Anyway, back to topic. Speaking.
I’m by no means confident about speaking. Not yet, it’s still one of my worst nightmares to have to read something in front of other people, but we’re getting there.
I realise this makes it sound like I’m physically unable to talk, which isn’t true. I’m told that I talk very well to other people, and I do think that’s true… when it’s about things I’m confident with. I can talk about my subjects, the books I’m reading, what I’m planning to do for uni just fine. But the moment it’s a topic that’s new to me, or something I’m very uncertain in that ability goes. Boomph.
It’s made me realise the importance of challenging children. Not to a point where it upsets them, or makes them doubt themselves, but to a point that makes them think. I believe that I’ve never really had to think, that where my brain gives out everything else i need has been handed to me. And whilst that’s easy at the time, it’s going to make sixth form and uni a whole lot harder. Ohhhhh great.
‘Conversation is one of the loveliest of the arts’- Oscar Wilde. Fitting, I think, haha