My hair is too fine.
The skin under my eyes is wrinkly, even though I’m only 17.
I’m too pale, so any foundation makes me look orange.
My tummy sticks out.
My thighs are wobbly.
I think, if you picked any part of my body, I could reel off at least three reasons why I dislike it. Hello… brain? That’s not good.
I’ve always understood that models are unrealistically skinny, and are photo shopped to appear even more ‘beautiful’. I’ve always known that it’s not healthy. But I didn’t think it affected me.
But I’m coming to the realisation that I’m wrong. I’ve always been insecure about my body, even from the age of 10 or 11, when I realised my stomach wasn’t flat. I’ll always remember my mum pointing to about 11 year old Abi’s stomach as it pressed against the tshirt and saying ‘ohh, we need to watch that’. She definitely didn’t mean to lodge that thought in my brain, but I remember it so, so clearly.
The message about people just being happy with the body they have… I disagree.
I mean, the idea that people shouldn’t feel ashamed or self conscious I completely support. I don’t think that something as trivial as shape should make people feel embarrassed or self conscious (although I truly understand it does), and I hate that it’s what society has come to.
But at the same time, if someone is unhappy with their body then they can work hard and change it. You don’t need an expensive gym membership, or a big garden or fancy equipment; there’s plenty of home workouts on youtube and pintrest. I’ve even managed to find bed workouts!
I find that many people develop a defeatist attitude; rather than accepting their body is attractive or deciding to change, they just accept that they look ‘bad’.
In many ways, this is me.
One of my goals for 2017 is to sort out my body, both mentally and physically. I know that my body is ok, but I want it to be better. I want to grow my confidence in my body, because I think it’ll have a knock on effect and make me feel better in other ways, too.
And maybe by publishing this, it’ll motivate me to become a better version of myself (cheese cheese cheese ew no). Mentally, I need to learn to love myself, and physically I need to lose that little bit of weight, to tone up my stomach. And I can do it.
‘Hope is the thing with feathers’- Emily Dickinson.
This is definitely my favourite poem, I love how it’s so positive and calming, so unusual for Victorian Britain.