I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing

The future really freaks me out. 

Now I’m one of those people who can’t wait to leave home; the prospect of not just freedom but being able to take control of my life rather than just being an extension of my parents is so so soo exciting. So I’ve established that I want to move out after I finish my A levels. Good. What next?

This is where my ‘plan’ terminates. I don’t think it can even be classed as a plan if I’m honest. More of a step: move out. 

I’ve written previously about Cambridge university; I was hoping to apply, genuinely wanting to get a place. And that’s a great aspiration to have … except now it’s not even true anymore. At this point in time, I have no desire to go to Cambridge or oxford. 

At the moment, I want to study english. But ask me in a months time, go on. It’s unlikely that my desire to study english will still be there. 

The thing that scares me is my complete cluelessness at what I want to do after uni, and my amazing indecision. I can’t even decide what to wear in the morning, how am I supposed to plan my future. I’m  too young for this. 

I feel as though I’m bluffing my way through my A levels. My courses are an odd mix, and they really don’t compliment each other, I always seem to have a mountain of work overdue and I’m yet to experience being drunk or going to parties. 

In a way, I feel as though I’m so eager to move out that I haven’t considered what it’ll actually be like. I mean, what if I completely flop in the first week?

It scares me so much that my whole future is entirely dependent on 3 grades. I’m really dreading those final few months – I have high expectations of myself, and I know I’ll put myself under stupid amounts of pressure. 

Ohhh joy. 

‘Then her soul sat on her lips, and languid flowered.’ – Charlotte Brontë, from Jane Eyre

The other side of sunsets 

(No pun intended)

Picture the sun as it sinks through the sky, casting glorious rays of pink and red and gold through the crisp winter breeze. Picture the skyline as it slowly blazes in a passionate flame, the winking stars that smile through the sky as they step out from their hazy hiding place. And picture the timid, velvety blues of the night sky as it cautiously cloaks the world in darkness. 

Yet, in some parts of the world the opposite is occurring; the sun is creeping forwards, bathing shivering trees and rigid houses and bustling people in glowing halos. Children pull back their colourful curtains and gaze at the morning sky in wonder as their parents pass them clothes and tie back their hair. Everyone, even if only for the most fleeting second, casts a glance in awe at the sky. 

For me the day is finishing, but for many others it’s only just beginning. 

So why do we have to wait for things. Why do we put off ‘turning over a new leaf’ until new year, or vow to get on top of work after half term, or grow a mustache but only in November? Because somewhere in the world, something is beginning. Even at the deepest, most isolating point in the dead of night, somewhere else is alive and hustling with sounds and smells and bright, bright colours.  

I think what I’m trying to say is this:

Don’t look for ‘legit’ excuses. Do what scares you. Do the thing you’ve been dreading for months. I believe you can. Because that feeling of accomplishment will be quite amazing.

‘I love the silent hour of night,

For blissful dreams may then arise,

Revealing to my charmed sight

What may not bless my waking eyes’-Anne Brontë

Baby steps 

I posted last night (or this morning I suppose) about a very dodgy relationship with a very constant person in my life. And somehow, on some burst of courage, I’ve made the first step towards ‘fixing’ it. 

There’s a teacher at school who I’m friendly with, and she knows about things that have happened previously. I didn’t exactly confide in her, not yet anyway, but I made an effort to ask if I could speak to her next week. As she already knows some of the ‘stuff’ that’s happened, it’s much easier for me as I don’t have to start from scratch, yet I know I’ll be speaking to someone who can help me. It means that I have the weekend to sort out the tangled web of thoughts in my head, to decide how to approach the topic and even time to ‘practice’. It also means that I can’t back out – this teacher knows something isn’t right, and is expecting me to see her on Monday – I can’t just not turn up.

But it doesn’t make any of this any easier. Not at all. As soon as I left her classroom, my body began shaking to the extent that I genuinely think I looked like I was having a fit whilst I sat on the bus, willing myself to calm down. I know my situation isn’t normal and that, in the long term, this is something I have to do, but it’s hard. I feel disloyal and dishonest. What’s more, I feel as though I’m betraying the people closest to me. 

Regardless, I know this will be good. It will help. That’s what I keep telling myself. Because everything good doesn’t always start out positively. And although this will be unbelievably hard, it’s very much needed. 

I know it’s so very easy to deny those niggling thoughts in the back of your head, but maybe just stop and listen. Because, for me, it’s been vital. And this is a good thing, even though it’s incredibly daunting. But it’s a step forwards, and the courage that it takes to speak up and ask for help is one of the hardest things of all to do. 

‘I’d rather take coffee than compliments just now’ – Louisa May Alcott, Little Women

I’m still learning

It’s 12:15am and I’ll probably look over this and want to rewrite everything in the morning but I want to write, so I shall. 

Things have been pretty hectic, but not in the usual sense. My emotions, relationships and self worth has been all over the place… aargh!

Everything stems from a relationship with someone very close and constant in my life. Except we aren’t close, not really. Not like we should be. And we argue, quite a lot actually, and seemingly often about small, petty things that shouldn’t be important. And I look at the similar people in my friends’ lives, and I see how (in my world) things really need to change. But I’m learning. I’ve learned that people are unpredictable, that even if you do see them every single day they may be hiding something, and I’ve learned that your actions can so so easily be misinterpreted and blown out of proportion. Not everyone has the same view as you, and something that is, in your view, harmless and innocent may come across very differently. 

But I’ve also learned to keep an open mind. I’m 17, and I’ve never had a boyfriend (that one from year 6 doesn’t count), but recently a boy has appeared in my life. Genuinely, I’m so surprised that he’s still talking to me; in my opinion I come with so many ‘faults’ and problems and burdens that frankly I wouldn’t be interested in me. Who knows why he is. But he’s there, and he makes me so happy. Even in the simplest conversations I find myself grinning stupidly at my phone. It’s a sign of how far I’ve come; this time last year I could barely speak to other people, let alone boys, yet now…this. 

I think, ultimately, I’m learning not to let things become blown out of proportion in my head. Because even when things do become unbearable with the first person, I know I have such a strong network of friends who are so so supportive and will do anything to help me. Even if they don’t know what’s going on, they’re there and open and willing. And that’s beyond valuable. I think it’s sometimes easy to get caught up in the moment and forget about these life saving relationships. Personally, I think I’d have gone insane without them. 

‘It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then’ – Lewis Carroll, from Alice in Wonderland

Procrastination

Now, this post could be really helpful. ‘Could’. Of course it won’t be.

Procrastination is definitely my forte; I’m not sure how, but it seems to take me years and years to complete simple tasks that should take less than an hour.

I have lots of work to do; a test tomorrow, 15 pages of chapter summaries, an exam question, to make more revision notes. But how much will I really get done?

Sooooooo, instead of doing actually important work, I thought I’d write a blog post! Every time my brain wanders onto a topic that’s not psychology revision or english notes, I’m going to make a note of it :))

Well this is going to be equally  interesting and embarrassing. Lets go:

1) Ooohh, lets write a blog post

2) actually, wait. I need the loo.

3) I’m cold… tea! I’m going to make tea!

4) *opens group chat*… who’s wearing fancy dress to school tomorrow?

5) right, the tea

6) am I hungry?

7) those crisps were definitely worth it

8) I still need to make the tea

9) is there a window open?

10) abi. make. the. tea.

11) but the psychology test is tomorrow

12) oohhh I like this song

13) *starts singing*

14) repeats song

15) repeats song many times

16) ok, ok. Back to psychology

17) actually this song is quite good too

18) hmm… I really fancy some chocolate

19) maybe I should stop this now, and actually do some quality revision!

20) I really did intend to go work, but leaving on an odd number was annoying me

Maybe this little snapshot of my evening was interesting? Who knows. It was certainly interesting to write!

‘we are the choices we make’- Patrick Ness, The Knife of Never Letting Go

Choices are important, even small ones. Right now, I’m choosing to do productive work (eventually), so i can go to a really good university and do a fun interesting course. It might be something bigger or more important; that doesn’t matter. Every choice will work out. Think about it –  we got to where we are now through the choices we made, and if we had done things differently, we may be in an entirely different place!

It makes me angry

Yes, yes. I know I’ve already written about the election. But then I was scared. True, this whole thing is still really scary, but it’s more than that. I’m angry.

It makes me angry that teachers feel the need to put signs on classroom doors, explaining how there’s no need to be scared, that their classrooms are safe. I’m not saying that the students shouldn’t feel safe. But, in ‘safe’ environments, teachers (leaders, even) should not have to specify that everyone is welcome. In my opinion, school should be seen as an escape of sorts, a place where they can go and get away from any problems at home, where they can go and learn and make friends and have fun. A school environment that involves threat, and danger, and fear is not right.

It makes me angry that the number of hate crimes have increased since the election. It appears that Trump’s new lead means that people think that it’s ok to attack minorities. If it were face to face, this wouldn’t happen. Why do people feel they can publicly victimise others?

It makes me angry how emotional and involved people are, but not how you may think. What gets me is the sorrow that everyone around me seems to feel. Not even people based in America – ‘safe’, white, British people, who according to Trump should not be scared, are truly at a loss. No one knows how to react, no one knows what to do. This is madness.

What has happened to 2016. It all feels fake, that I’m going to wake up and realise that I’ve had the longest, worst nightmare ever. But *pinches self*, it isn’t. And this is real. And we are okay. And we will be okay. 

‘So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past’ – F. Scott Fitzgerald, from The Great Gatsby

 

So… Trump.

I’m scared.

I’m white, straight and nearly 5 thousand miles away from America. Yet, I’m scared.

Women are essentially just aesthetically pleasing objects.

Gay couples should not be allowed the same privileges as straight couples.

Immigrants should be selected on their likelihood of success.

These are all things said by Trump, the next president of the United States.

As an outsider, I know it’s so so easy to underestimate the scale of it, to get angry and frustrated and to know the ‘right’ thing to do.

I followed almost the entirety of the election through twitter, a site where I follow other, like-minded people. They were all openly supporting Hillary Clinton. Stupidly, I presumed these opinion leaders had enough power to help sway the election… I was wrong.

I was hoping that Brexit would have an impact; that people would see the UK’s decision and how widely the impacts are felt globally, not just nationally. Nope.

He didn’t ‘win’. Not to me.

He used fear and false accusations  and hate and lies; to many this is their future.

That is not winning.

‘Make America great again’? Well, I suppose the definition of ‘great’ varies. I really hope his version is good enough.

I may not be able to do anything. The communities victimised by Trump can’t do anything, and they’re forced to live under his power for at least the next 4 years.

This didn’t seem real. It still doesn’t. It could so easily be some sick prank, but it isn’t.

And I’m scared.